


We under the Moonlight

by xavierching



Series: Mayday [2]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Best Friends, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Light Angst, Love Triangles, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Pining, Romance, Unrequited Love, jark, markson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 13:09:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12299778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xavierching/pseuds/xavierching
Summary: Jackson wanted to reach for the almost full moon. It looked so small in the vast sky, and so far away from him.Jackson sometimes questioned himself why he fell in love with Mark, knowing that the older was pining for someone else. And he would ask himself why he did not attempt to get over Mark. But in the end, he always reminded himself that loving someone meant you gave them everything. Since Mark most needed a sanctuary, his sanctuary Jackson would become.[Prequel to "Mayday"]





	We under the Moonlight

Jackson wanted to reach for the almost full moon. It looked so small in the vast sky, and so far away from him. 

When Jackson was in high school, his American friends always told him not to stare at the moon for too long, or else he might go looney. And Jackson would reply, no, full moon represented completeness, togetherness and reunion.

It dawned on him that today was the fourteenth day of the eighth month in Chinese calendar. And at sunrise, he would depart for the flight to Beijing. He was not sure how long he would be parted from his family in Seoul. He hoped his stay in China would not be longer than three months.

Jackson sighed heavily and looked at the person in his arms. Mark’s snowy skin seemed to glow under the moonlight. The unshed tears on his long eyelashes, pure, like midnight dews. The lighthearted smell of Casablanca lily and orange blossom did nothing to conceal the devastating scent of alcohol.

Bambam always told Jackson he was a fool for not confessing to Mark-hyung. He could not understand why Jackson was so convinced that Mark-hyung would not return his feelings. He found Mark-hyung stupidly loyal to Peniel-hyung, who had already left him for years.

Bambam would pout and look at him earnestly whilst Mark fell asleep in Jackson’s arms, having had too much vodka. The maknae said that he really wanted his hyungs to be happy. That Mark-hyung no longer drank away his heartbreak. That Jackson-hyung no longer concealed his love for the oldest.

Bambam was a sweet child. But he was too young and dense when it came to things like love and romance. Mark never really fell in love with Peniel. Yet, Jackson would never tell Bambam that Peniel was only a white lie. 

\---

Jackson normally slept like a dead pig. He never had insomnia or got up to use the bathroom at night. The pitiful sniffles from the top bunk therefore went unnoticed for a long time, until one night Jackson could not sleep due to organic green tea overdose. Jackson sometimes thought that, if he had not found out about Mark that night, perhaps he would eventually wake up to Mark’s dead body.

Mark sobbed rather quietly, much like his usual personality. He tended not to talk about his emotional baggage and instead endure everything in silence. Because no one could deduce anything from silence. Like a vacuum. 

A belated epiphany hit Jackson. Mark was quiet because he knew that sounds would give away his devastation. 

Mark gasped when Jackson invaded his bed. 

Jackson did not say anything. He climbed over Mark and spooned him from behind. His arm wrapped securely around the older and his chest pressed on Mark’s back. Jackson felt his heart lurch with each and every tremble of Mark’s small frame. 

‘You ask how deeply I love you, and just how great my love is.  
My affection is real, and my love is true. The moon represents my heart.  
You ask how deeply I love you, and just how great my love is.  
My affection does not waver, and my love doesn’t change. The moon represents my heart.’

Jackson sang softly a classical Chinese ballad both of them were familiar with. The sniffles gradually faded out. Mark relaxed into Jackson’s embrace and the younger drifted off nuzzling Mark’s nape. 

Such a scene recurred in the following nights. And the next day, Mark would put on his usual façade, as if he never cried himself to sleep in Jackson’s arms. Jackson had waited patiently for Mark to talk to him but the older never came. Eventually, Jackson decided to confront him with Bambam. 

‘Mark-hyung,’ Bambam began with his sweet voice, ‘Jackson-hyung said you’ve been crying every night. We’re worried about you. Can you tell us what’s wrong?’  
Mark smiled faintly, ‘I’m just a bit homesick is all. Don’t worry.’  
‘But you just returned from LA,’ Jackson pointed out sharply. He was a bit upset that Mark thought he could tell him off just like that. Mark always talked to him when he missed home.  
‘Jackson, you know it’s always hard leaving home again,’ Mark sounded exasperated.  
Bambam prompted, ‘is there anything wrong apart from homesickness? Please tell us so that we can help.’  
‘Thank you,’ Mark ruffled Bambam’s hair indulgently, ‘I’m fine.’  
‘No Yien, you are not and you will not suffer on your own,’ Jackson raised his voice. Those sniffles sounded different. Intuition told Jackson that he must persist until Mark told them the truth. 

‘I’m in love with someone,’ Mark surrendered, his voice feeble, ‘but it’s unrequited.’  
Bambam asked when Mark was about to walk away, ‘who’s it hyung?’  
‘Peniel.’

That night, Jackson again held Mark in his arms. Mark wept harder than usual and even turned around to snuggle up to him. Jackson’s heart broke a little. Mark always distanced himself from others when he cried. 

‘Yien, please tell me everything and stop tormenting yourself,’ Jackson said into Mark’s hair.  
Mark shook his head vigorously, burying his head deeper into Jackson’s chest.  
Caressing Mark’s nape, Jackson gently probed, ‘I know this is not about Peniel,’ he knew Mark would not succumb easily, ‘if you don’t tell me, I’ll tell Jaebum-hyung and Jinyoung you’re crying yourself to sleep every night.’  
Mark instantly pulled away and looked at him with aghast, ‘no!’  
‘Now will you tell me the truth?’ Jackson gazed at him seriously, ‘you know I just want to share your burden, Yien.’  
Mark shook his head again, tears running freely on his face, ‘I can’t tell you Jackson.’  
‘It doesn’t have to be me. You can tell Jaebum-hyung or Jin –’  
‘No!’ Mark interrupted, ‘I can’t tell them.’

Mark cried so hard that Jackson felt him trembling. Jackson hugged Mark tighter. He wanted to rub himself into Mark so that he could experience Mark’s agony, and tell him that he understood. That Mark did not need to go through the heartbreak alone. That he would always be Mark’s sanctuary. Mark weeping became unbearable for Jackson. Because Mark was crying as though he was shedding blood tears. Jackson’s heart faltered with every sob. 

‘You ask how deeply I love you, and just how great my love is.  
Consider this, and look above. The moon represents my heart.  
So soft was the kiss that has moved my heart.  
Such a deep affection makes me long for you now.  
You ask how deeply I love you, and just how great my love is.  
Consider this, and look above. The moon represents my heart.’

He serenaded gently, hoping the ballad would soothe Mark a little. Jackson tried not to dwell on the way he sang this love song too genuinely. 

‘Jackson,’ Mark whispered, gazing at Jackson with glistening eyes, ‘I cannot let you hate me. I don’t want to lose you.’  
Jackson caressed Mark’s cheek with his thumb, ‘I can never hate you, Yien. You know that.’  
Leaning into Jackson’s palm, Mark nodded and took a breath, ‘I was telling the truth about unrequited love. But that person is not Peniel.

‘It’s Jaebum and Jinyoung.’

\---

Seoul got chilly at autumn nights. Mark snuggled closer into Jackson, probably for warmth. Jackson wondered how much vodka Mark had drunk to be so deep asleep. The older was unusually still and calm in his arms. 

Gazing at the moon, Jackson was reminded of the ballad he always sang for Mark. Because the moon really did represent his heart. Genuine. Constant. Until the end of the world.

Jackson sometimes questioned himself why he fell in love with Mark, knowing that the older was pining for Jaebum-hyung and Jinyoung. And he would ask himself why he did not attempt to get over Mark. 

He had come up with a wide range of explanations. 

Jackson wanted to kiss away the disappointment and hurtfulness on Mark’s face when the older tried so hard to vie for Jaebum-hyung’s attention, but failed because he was gazing intently at Jinyoung. Jackson needed to protect Mark. Because the older solely pretended to be tough and nonchalant. His heart was tender due to all the scars from Jaebum-hyung and Jinyoung. 

Jackson felt energised whenever Mark genuinely smiled. His beam was innocent and sweet, like hot chocolate. It motivated Jackson and infected him with content. Jackson was the only one Mark confided in. Their trust and bond were unrivalled. Jackson was special to Mark, just like Mark was special to Jackson. 

Jackson had long come to a conclusion – he _chose_ to love Mark. 

Even though there were times when he felt jealous of Jaebum-hyung and Jinyoung. Even though there were times when he felt angry that he could never mend Mark. Even though there were times when he felt tormented knowing Mark would never return his affection. In the end, Jackson always reminded himself that loving someone meant you gave them everything. Since Mark most needed a sanctuary, his sanctuary Jackson would become. 

Until Jackson ruined Mark’s only haven.

\---

‘YES! YES! YES!’ Jackson shouted whilst dancing in euphoria. Finally, a chance to develop in China!  
‘Jackson, I know you’ll say yes,’ JYP grinned at the bouncing puppy. He loved Jackson’s spirit, ‘but still I want you to think through it before signing the contract. You’ll be working on your own and away from your friends. And think about the impact on Markson, hahaha!’  
Jackson stiffened the moment PD-nim mentioned Mark, but quickly put the techniques of expression management to use, ‘it’s Jark, PD-nim!’ he wore an exaggerated smile, ‘I’ll sleep on it ok?’

‘Shit,’ Jackson cussed as soon as he entered the vacant studio, ruffling his hair lividly. 

Jackson reprimanded himself for being so stupid. Of course working in China would entail compromising Mark’s wellbeing. Jackson had come a long way to pick up Mark’s pieces. Mark did not cry himself to sleep or binge drink as frequently. He learnt to come to Jackson to vent his yearning, jealousy and devastation. And he never talked about wanting to hurt himself anymore. 

Jackson was worried that Mark would retreat into his shell and relapse. Texts, calls and skype could not replace the warmth of his physical presence. And Jackson learnt that caressing and hugging soothed Mark the most. He also did not want Mark to feel isolated, especially when Bambam became closer with Yugyeom and Youngjae than with Mark and Jackson. Jaebum-hyung and Jinyoung being lovey dovey with each other merely exacerbated Mark’s solitude. When Mark had no one to turn to, he would become mute and allow devastation and hopelessness to drown him. 

That scared the shit out of Jackson. Because he had seen the way Mark caressing a razor blade.

For the first time since he had moved to Seoul, Jackson’s dream of developing a career in China wavered. True that it had been one of his aspirations, with China providing abundant opportunities and a vast potential fanbase. But Mark was as important as, if not more important than, his career development. 

A week after the notice from PD-nim, Mark dragged Jackson out of the dorm to a nearby park. 

‘Jackson,’ Mark said softy while drawing circles on the back of Jackson’s hand, ‘is everything alright?’  
Jackson did not reply. No, it’s not alright. He still could not decide whether he should pursue a career in China.  
‘Gaga,’ Mark tried again and turned Jackson towards him, ‘I’m worried about you. Please talk to me like you’ve always asked me to talk to you.’

Mark was the only person Jackson easily succumbed to. With a few rounds of coaxing and probing, Jackson knew he had to come clean to Mark, ‘PD-nim said I could develop in China.’  
Mark kissed Jackson’s cheek and exclaimed, ‘congrats Jackson! Your dream comes true! Are you sulking because you panic?’  
‘No,’ Jackson denied promptly and shrugged, ‘I guess I’m not sure if I wanna go?’  
Mark stared at him with wide eyes, ‘why? You sure it’s not because you’re anxious about it? I mean people second-guess themselves before wedding and stuff.’  
‘No,’ Jackson snapped impulsively, ‘I have a very good reason for hesitating.’

Jackson made up a couple of reasons to appease Mark. But apparently Mark saw through him. He could be damn stubborn when he set his heart on something. Even though Jackson resorted to silence, Mark kept suggesting different reasons to gauge his expression. Jackson felt wary about the conversation. He only prayed that Mark forever guessed wrongly and gave up of his own accord.

‘Jackson,’ Mark’s voice faltered abruptly, the glint in his eyes extinguished, ‘is it because of me?’  
Jackson did not utter a word. It would be futile to deny.  
‘I’m sorry,’ Mark apologised weakly, removing his gaze from Jackson.  
Holding Mark’s hand firmly, Jackson assured, ‘there’s no need to apologise, Yien. You’re my best friend. I care about you. I want to take care of you. Just let me stay by your side, alright?’  
‘Jackson, you’re being too kind to me,’ Mark’s tears landed on their laced fingers, ‘you have no obligation to me. I will not allow you to forsake your dreams because of me.’  
‘Shut up,’ Jackson groaned. He ran his hand through his hair forcefully. Mark should know that Jackson never considered him a charity case. How could Mark accuse him that he did everything for him out of obligation? How could he belittle Jackson’s love for him?  
‘Jackson, when you look back, you will regret ever helping me and hate me for dragging you down,’ Mark tried to keep his quivering voice in control, hoping to knock some sense into the younger’s head.  
Jackson turned his face away from Mark and shut his eye tight. That guilty expression on Mark’s face made his hand shake. He wished Mark would stop saying those goddamn things because Mark was pushing him to his critical point.  
‘I’m nobody to you. Me and my stupid feelings are not importa –’

‘I fucking love you, Tuan Yien! And you tell me you’re nobody to me?’

\---

The contour of the moon faded into the weak ray of dawn. Jackson did not realise that he had been sitting on the balcony for the entire night. He relished in the last moment of holding Mark under the moonlight. He would probably never have the chance again, with Mark evading him since the unplanned confession.

Jackson caressed Mark’s face slowly, committing the feeling of Mark’s skin against his fingertips to his memory. He chastely pressed a kiss on Mark’s forehead, ‘I love you, Tuan Yien. Please stay strong for me.’

Jackson was about to carry Mark back to their room when he heard footfalls.  
‘How can Mark do without you, Jackson?’ Jaebum sighed, leaning against the door frame of the balcony.  
‘I’m not the one Mark needs,’ Jackson smiled ruefully.  
‘You’re special to him,’ Jaebum replied, gazing at Mark, ‘that’s all that matters, isn’t it?’  
‘Hyung, I cannot enjoy the full moon with Mark. Perhaps you and Jinyoung can?’

**Author's Note:**

> Originally planned to post it before Mid-Autumn Festival but got stuck. Thanks for reading.


End file.
